Journal Entries, (BEing with Cancer), Part 2

Ali Hammer Winans shares her thoughts in the article found in The Main Central Jin Shin Jyutsu Newsletter, issue Number 50, Fall 2005 about her recovery from cancer:

“The real healing from cancer will be on the emotional and spiritual level, not on the physical”

While undergoing chemotherapy, April 10, 2002: (continued)

Can I even get to a place of loving the cancer? I feel betrayed by my body I’m not in control. My body has turned upon me and could destroy my life. I am taking drastic means to keep life in this body. But maybe I can see it differently. The cancer is a manifestation of conflict and destruction and pain that was hidden deep inside. It is bringing this up to my attention. My body wants to heal my spirit. In the language of Jin Shin Jyutsu, there is a project in my Safety Energy Lock 13. (Safety Energy Lock 13 is the energy center located on each side of the chest above the breast.) Thirteen is the number of the Creator, the One who IS all Love. What this says to me is that there is a crucial, demanding need for me to love myself so totally and completely, that I end up BEing love. To really love all aspects of my SELF, knowing that all is divine, all is GOD. And that will release me from all the self-criticism and self-judgments, then help me to love others more completely.

Moving ahead to July 4, 2005:

Reflecting on this last paragraph over three years later, I ask, “What did I mean when I said loving the cancer?” This is as shocking a concept as Jesus telling us to love our enemies, and maybe it is the same thing. Could I love something or someone who wants to kill me? My intuition says yes, love is the answer, even while my mind recoils saying no, no, no. Love everything, even the disease, even your enemies. How can I do it though? The idea of loving the cancer cells infiltrating the body is like loving the insurgents destroying Iraq. You’d have to be a saint to love that. A saintly person like Amma (my spiritual teacher) is so completely established in BEing love that she truly loves all beings, and her life shows many examples of how her love transformed the actions of those who tried to harm her.

I am, however, a beginner, and growing into this love is a cyclic, ongoing process – which is illustrated by the Buddhist Loving Kindness practice. First love yourself, send love to your friends, family and community, send love to those you have difficulty with, and then send love to the entire world. This routine is repeated daily as a meditation. The words of Mary Burmeister come to mind here, “Turn your problems into projects,” and “See the harmony and not the dirty dishes,” informing us how to begin loving the difficult situation, the disease, the enemy.

For now I am enjoying good health, and from where I am, I can love the cancer for being a wake-up call and a teacher. I can love the reminders to love life, to love others, to appreciate the little things, to ask for what I need, to speak my truth, to take care of my body, for bringing me an opportunity to know myself more, and for the reminder that life and all I love is so precious.

To be continued…

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